Ways I Am Dealing With My Fear Of Falling

I have bad balance. Yes, this is true. However, since January, I’ve come to the realization that my balance is actually quite good for someone with cerebral palsy. My main problem is my fear of falling. I’ve come to the conclusion that my balance has never declined since I was a kid. It was only my perception. My perception started to change sometime when I was a teenager, an early teenager at that. I can’t pinpoint the exact event that made my perception changed, and that drives me insane.

As a preteen/early teenager I can’t remember a traumatic fall or other traumatic event that would have kick started this fear. All I know is that one day I was fine to stand in one place not holding onto anything. Then the next day I either had to hold onto something, or I’d need to stay in motion, or I’d fall. No rhyme or reason for it that I can think of. The only traumatic event I can think of happened in my senior year of high school when I fell down the stairs one day at school right before the final bell. Luckily I didn’t break a bone or anything, but it did hurt. Come to think of it, that was probably the first time I started hesitating using the stairs. I used the elevator at school for a while after that fall (big mistake). I am a lot more cautious now when I use stairs. And I absolutely avoid escalators. That is a huge panic trigger for me. But it still doesn’t explain why I suddenly had to hold onto things at an earlier age.

Over the years, this fear has gotten worse. I didn’t even fear falling (other than stairs) until college I think, and even then I didn’t put it together as it being a fear. I thought it was more of a self confidence thing. I didn’t want people to stare or laugh at me. Which has always been true, I’ve never liked it when people (young or old) stare at me. I still don’t, but I try not to let it bug me too much. As it turns out, it was actually a fear of falling. I was falling more and more during my college years, and that led me to avoid things. I only went where I absolutely had to go and nowhere else.

For me, fear turns into panic if I don’t deal with it. I have panic attacks. I know what triggers them, and do my best to avoid those situations, but it’s tough. My panic attacks happen when I know I’ll be walking either on my own (which is very rare) or with someone helping me that I’m not used to. My panic attacks lead me to hyperventilate (breathe rapidly), my heart rate to skyrocket, my entire body to lock up so I can’t move, to start crying, and it leads me to sweat...a lot. I can’t separate any thoughts, they all jumble into one giant nose machine in my head. I can’t hear anything but noise.

I think it was February when I almost had a panic attack in public. Maybe it was January. Oh wow, it was back in December. Here’s the original post I wrote about it. Anyway, I was at the chiropractor’s office, and I was walking from one room to the next. The assistant was helping me, and she’s like five foot four at most. I feel like I can squash her if I fall. We were going slow with no problem. We get to where we need to be, and she lets go. Instant panic mode. Luckily there was a wall right beside me that I grabbed onto (as much as you can grab a wall). I told myself to not panic and to just breathe. I was only on my own for about 30 to 45 seconds, but it seemed like hours. My heart rate went through the roof, but at least I was able to control my breathing, and I didn’t start to cry. She came back and helped me to the chair (she let go to set up a chair), and I calmed down right away. No one knew what almost happened.

So, how do I combat these attacks? It’s not easy. Not easy at all. I have tell myself to stop. Physically stop what I am doing. Mentally stop what I am doing. Focus on counting to ten (or in most cases higher). Focus on controlling my breathing. Anything to help calm me down. The easiest thing is to sit down, but when there’s no place to sit, what do you do? Either keep going or drop to the floor on my knees.

Other than breathing and focusing, there is one solution that I have found. I don’t intend to use this solution forever, but for now it’s helping out big time. I will write about this in tomorrow’s entry as this post is getting long. One hint though. I’ve said before that if I ever found something that gave me the same feeling that alcohol gives me, (relaxed muscles and calm mind) without the brain fuzz, I’d take it. Well, I found it. And it’s helping.

I know, not nice to leave you hanging. That entry will be up tomorrow (Wednesday) morning. If you read my blogs by clicking the link on FaceBook, that might not be reliable Wednesday morning. For some reason, WordPress stopped automatically sending new post links when I publish an entry, so I do it myself. I’ll set it to upload at 5 in the morning, and try to remember to post the link before I leave. If I don’t get to it, just keep checking the blog. It’ll be there, I hope. Actually, I think I just fixed it. We'll find out at 6 AM Tuesday if it works or not.

Trust Issues

This weekend just flew by. Not a whole lot going on. Had my back adjusted again yesterday, and I feel all shiny and new again. It wasn’t nearly as bad as the first time, but things were definitely out of whack again. Things shifted too. I had knots on the right side of my back instead of the left. Basically everything that was out of whack on the left side last time was out of whack on the right side this time.

He actually said I had a rib out of place. I asked “Wouldn’t I have felt that? Wouldn’t that hurt?”. He said it sometimes happens when you sneeze or cough harshly, or when you shift around while you sleep. It doesn’t always hurt when it happens. My guess is it happened in the middle of the night. I tend to jerk around a lot. I’ll wake up thinking I’m falling out of bed, and then freak out. I roll over roughly a lot too which is a good time to things to shift.

Anyway, things are good, and I plan to go back in another three to four weeks to keep it that way. I was feeling some pain again when I went in, but it's better now.

There was a bit of awkwardness, but only on my part, since I’m paranoid. Not paranoid…I don’t know what the right word is. Untrusting is more like it. I don't think anyone is out to get me ore anything, but I tend to ward off other people helping me. When we go out, I hold onto my husband’s arm. I’m used to it, and it’s what I prefer. When someone else helps me in that way, I panic. It’s my own mind playing tricks on me, and I need to get used to other people helping me like that.

Anyway, my husband had an appointment (with the same dr.) at the same time I did, so he helped me to the first room (with a roller table that I could be on all day if I was allowed. It’s a table with some sort of roller that massages up and down your back, and it feels sooooo good.). When my timer dinged, the doctor came in, and he helped me to the second room. Normally I feel strange when another person helps, but this wasn’t too bad. I was a little unstable, but still fine.

Got my back adjusted, and had the “stim” (tens unit) on for about five minutes. When my timer dinged this time, the assistant came in to help me. Now she’s a super nice lady, but she’s also tiny. She’s about 5 foot 4 maybe, and very small. I felt like I could crush her with my pinky. She helped me out to the other room, but I was very slow, unsteady, and unsure of myself. Then she let go! Luckily we were beside a wall, so I held on there for dear life. She didn’t know, she was just setting up the chair for me to sit in. I don’t think I gave anything away, but I had myself a nice little anxiety attack.

Made it to the chair and all was fine again. Got the heat treatment for 5 minutes, and then I was done. Thankfully the doctor helped me out to the waiting room where I waited for my husband to finish.

All this tells me I need to relax, have other people help me more often, and to trust that they know what they're doing. What’s the worst that can happen? I fall and have to get my back fixed again. Oh darn. I have to trust people more I guess. I have a certain attitude when it comes to people helping me. I’m not sexist in the least, but I do feel more comfortable when men help me. I just think they’re stronger, and would be able to help me up if I did fall.

So, things I need to work on:

1. Trust others to help me.

2. Trust myself to show myself what I am capable of.

3. Trust my own body to do what it needs to do in a falling situation.

4. Practice (again) walking with my walker.

I believe if I practice with my walker, my confidence will go up in these situations. Because it’s only a matter of time when someone other than my husband will help me out again. I need to be prepared for it.

Well, where did all that come from? This was going to be a mile Monday post, but look at that. I had myself a mind dump of sorts.

Safety Bar Update

I will not be using my suction cup safety bar at all anymore. My anxiety levels go through the roof as soon as I even think about getting into the shower. Yesterday, I was so nervous about it, I had a panic attack even before I got ready for my shower. My husband came into the bathroom with me (in the middle of my panic and crying attack), and again we tested the bars out. Sometimes they stuck on really tight and were fine. I got in and out of the tub several times. Other times it would pop off with little or no pulling. It was really random. And when it would pop off, I would panic more.

We scrubbed the wall clean, and it didn’t help any. Still not sure what is going on, but I will not be using them anymore. Later that day (once I had calmed down…I’ll explain that later), I had my husband help me in and out of the shower. We attempted to use the bar again, and it popped off.

Earlier in the day, my husband talked with his dad about what happened, and asked again about a safety bar that drills into the wall. Apparently, a few years ago, when we first asked about it, there was some confusion. He thought we were talking about drilling a hole into the tub itself, not the shower wall. I wasn’t around for that conversation, but apparently that’s what the misunderstanding was about. Tub wall/shower wall. So, yes, a shower bar that drills into the shower wall is a go.

My main concern now (yes, I worry a lot) is finding a stud in the wall. If there’s no solid stud, I’ll be stuck. I know the towel racks in the bathroom have fallen off because the studs in that room are in strange places. But inside the shower might be another story. Only time will tell. We’ve got a shower bar ordered and on the way from Amazon. It’s supposed to get here sometime Wednesday. Until then, I’m holding off on exercise and if I absolutely need a shower, I’ll have help. Not planning on going anywhere in the next few days, so I can survive with no shower until then.

So that’s the update for now. I’ll keep you all updated as it happens. But, no, there’s no way I’ll using the suction cups anymore. My anxiety is just too much when I think about it. I still think it’s strange that they worked for several years, and are now giving me problems. No idea.