Monday, December 10, 2012

Trust Issues


This weekend just flew by. Not a whole lot going on. Had my back adjusted again yesterday, and I feel all shiny and new again. It wasn’t nearly as bad as the first time, but things were definitely out of whack again. Things shifted too. I had knots on the right side of my back instead of the left. Basically everything that was out of whack on the left side last time was out of whack on the right side this time.

He actually said I had a rib out of place. I asked “Wouldn’t I have felt that? Wouldn’t that hurt?”. He said it sometimes happens when you sneeze or cough harshly, or when you shift around while you sleep. It doesn’t always hurt when it happens. My guess is it happened in the middle of the night. I tend to jerk around a lot. I’ll wake up thinking I’m falling out of bed, and then freak out. I roll over roughly a lot too which is a good time to things to shift.

Anyway, things are good, and I plan to go back in another three to four weeks to keep it that way. I was feeling some pain again when I went in, but it's better now.

There was a bit of awkwardness, but only on my part, since I’m paranoid. Not paranoid…I don’t know what the right word is. Untrusting is more like it. I don't think anyone is out to get me ore anything, but I tend to ward off other people helping me. When we go out, I hold onto my husband’s arm. I’m used to it, and it’s what I prefer. When someone else helps me in that way, I panic. It’s my own mind playing tricks on me, and I need to get used to other people helping me like that.

Anyway, my husband had an appointment (with the same dr.) at the same time I did, so he helped me to the first room (with a roller table that I could be on all day if I was allowed. It’s a table with some sort of roller that massages up and down your back, and it feels sooooo good.). When my timer dinged, the doctor came in, and he helped me to the second room. Normally I feel strange when another person helps, but this wasn’t too bad. I was a little unstable, but still fine.

Got my back adjusted, and had the “stim” (tens unit) on for about five minutes. When my timer dinged this time, the assistant came in to help me. Now she’s a super nice lady, but she’s also tiny. She’s about 5 foot 4 maybe, and very small. I felt like I could crush her with my pinky. She helped me out to the other room, but I was very slow, unsteady, and unsure of myself. Then she let go! Luckily we were beside a wall, so I held on there for dear life. She didn’t know, she was just setting up the chair for me to sit in. I don’t think I gave anything away, but I had myself a nice little anxiety attack.

Made it to the chair and all was fine again. Got the heat treatment for 5 minutes, and then I was done. Thankfully the doctor helped me out to the waiting room where I waited for my husband to finish.

All this tells me I need to relax, have other people help me more often, and to trust that they know what they're doing. What’s the worst that can happen? I fall and have to get my back fixed again. Oh darn. I have to trust people more I guess. I have a certain attitude when it comes to people helping me. I’m not sexist in the least, but I do feel more comfortable when men help me. I just think they’re stronger, and would be able to help me up if I did fall.

So, things I need to work on:

1. Trust others to help me.

2. Trust myself to show myself what I am capable of.

3. Trust my own body to do what it needs to do in a falling situation.

4. Practice (again) walking with my walker.

I believe if I practice with my walker, my confidence will go up in these situations. Because it’s only a matter of time when someone other than my husband will help me out again. I need to be prepared for it.

Well, where did all that come from? This was going to be a mile Monday post, but look at that. I had myself a mind dump of sorts.


  1. This is my prayer for you......

    Dear God,
    Terrie really needs Your strength and help right now. Unfortunately, she has been deeply wounded by those who earned her trust and then abused it. She is afraid to trust that You really care about her. She even question whether her prayers are being heard and if You are listening to her pleas for help and mercy.

    I would like to stand in the gap for her tonight. I will ask that You hear this prayer I offer on her behalf. She needs healing, so I ask that You, the Great Physician, reach down with loving hands (hands that have her name engraved on the palm), and touch her hearts with a healing balm. Allow the pain she suffers melt away. May Your love soften her hardened and fearful hearts so that she might once again learn to give her trust to trustworthy people.

    Grant her discernment and wisdom and carry her to encouraging people who genuinely care about her welfare. Give Terrie the courage to reach out to You and start building a personal relationship with her Creator and Heavenly Father. I ask this in Your Son’s precious name….. Our Lord and Savior, Jesus.

  2. I do appreciate the thoughts and sentiments Cheryl, however I need to point some things out. I haven't been "deeply wounded by those who earned her (my) trust and then abused it".

    I have no trust issues with God, only myself. I don't question whether my prayers are being heard. I know He listens to everyone and sends help in His own way. I'm not pleading for help or mercy.

    I wouldn't say I have a "hardened heart", but I would probably admit to having a "fearful" times.

    My relationship with God is a priviate one, but I assure you, I do have one and it's a good one.

    Thanks again for your...concern? I did want to clear some of those points up though.

    Have a good day.

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