(photo credit - www.visualphotos.com)
It’s hard for me to tell just how much progress I have made with my ability to walk. Once I sit down and think over the last several month, I realize I have made significant progress, in many areas of walking.
Walking with others. This is probably the most significant aspect lately. In an earlier post I talked about how I basically just other people’s ability to help me based on their body type and how strong I think they are (wow, I just read a bit of that post, and my mindset has changed drastically since then). That’s very bad on my part. I talked about how I needed to trust others more, and trust myself more. I have done that.
Since that post, I’ve had five other people help me walk somewhere. Five! That doesn’t count the chiropractor or assistant #1, let’s call her “D”. I’m now completely confident (more like 90% confident) with Dr. Van Loon. I am getting more and more confident with “D”. I have also had assistant #2 (let’s call her “Y”), help me a few times and am getting used to her. Plus, my niece “K” has been helping me around a bunch lately, and it’s getting easier.
About a week and a half ago, I went somewhere with my “K” and my in-laws. During the time we were out, both my mother in-law and my father in-law helped me. Those were probably the scariest times for me. My judgmental state of mind rearing its ugly head. My in-laws are older, and they both have bad knees and have a hard time walking themselves. I let that get the better part of me that day, so I was more hesitant and unsure of myself. But, it all worked out. I had a few bobbles with my mother in-law, but I stayed on my feet. I did take a Xanax that day, but it wore off while we were out (we were gone a long time). So the walking I did with my mother in-law was without anything in me. Good thing was I didn’t have a panic attack. My heart was racing, but I was able to control everything else.
Think that covers everyone who has helped me so far. And there will be more people in the future who will help me also. The thought of that actually makes me anxious, but it will happen. I need to get used to it. Side note, I went to the doctor for an annual checkup and the doctor and I talked about my anxiety. She says that I need to not be afraid to ask for help. I’m not afraid really to ask for help, but I don’t like to ask for help either. I like to do things on my own if I am able. She said people are more than willing to help others, some actually want to help because it gives them a good feeling. I understand that, and I’m trying to get that in my head. If I need help, ask. I still feel sometimes that I’m putting pressure on people when I ask, or that it’s an annoyance to help me. Need to get that out of my head.
So, I have made quite a lot of progress. I have a ways to go to where I want to end up (totally able to walk unassisted like I did when I was a kid), and I think I can get there. I haven’t fallen yet when someone else has helped me. Came close a few times (once with “K” and once with my mother in-law). But not yet. It’s best not to think about that. I’m not putting a goal date for when I want to walk alone after all I have done that already, little bits at a time. It will happen when it happens.
The major thing I need to work on still is the fear, anxiety, and panic attacks. I did get my own Xanax prescription the other day too. I don’t plan to take it too often, only when I really think I’ll need it.
And that’s that. I’ll be working on all of this forever, so I will send in updates on my progress when ever I think I’ve made more progress. Practice make perfect (except with oral presentations, still going to avoid those like the plague. No amount of Xanax can help me with that, hehe). Walking with cerebral palsy is tough no matter how severe the case is. But, it's better to walk than not.